Sean Mulcahy presents The Simpsons in “2 Phat 4 U”

Scene 1: (A fashion designer, Donovan Fletcher (voiced by Eric Idle), is walking around a Springfield flea market looking for a brilliant idea. He has been tasked by his company to discover the next big idea for kid’s clothing. The huge sign above the fairgrounds is misspelled “Flee Market” He comes across the booth of one Ned Flanders and his biblical apparel. As Donovan is looking, Flanders comes up from behind him.)

 

Flanders: “Heidly ho shoperino! Can I interest ya in some good old fashioned, family friendly t-shirt-arunies?

(The one t-shirt that catches Donovan’s eyes is one of King Solomon about to cut a baby in half)

Donovan: “A man about to cut a baby in half is family friendly then?”

Flanders: “If it’s in the bible, it’s ok for kids.”

Donovan: (raised eyebrow) “right then.”

(Donovan moves on to another stand and begins flipping through more t-shirts until he comes across a pink one that says “2 Phat 4 U” He seeks the purveyor of the stand who happens to be Disco Stu.)

Donovan: “Excuse me sir, how much for this shirt?”

Disco Stu: “Disco Stu, is telling you, it’s five dollars a roo, ooh!”

Donovan: “I’ll take it. Tell me do you happen to know who made it?”

Disco Stu: “Disco Stu, is telling you…”

Donovan: “I’ll give you five more dollars to stop talking like that.”

Disco Stu: (In a Jersey accent) “Name’s on the back, bottom right.”

(He looks at the insignia on the back, it reads B. Simpson.)

Donovan: “Can you tell me where to find this Simpson character?”

Disco Stu: “Disco Stu is…”

Donovan: “Oh shut up, I’ll find a bloody phone book.”

 

End scene

 

(Scene 2: We arrive at the Simpson residence, Donovan walks up reading a piece of paper in his hand with 742 Evergreen Terrace written on it. There are discarded toys all about the lawn, along with a half raked leaf pile, a broken rake and four empty Duff Beer cans. He rings the door bell and Marge answers.)

 

Marge: “Hello, can I help you?”

Homer: (not visible, yells from inside) “Marge, get the door!”

(Marge gives a disapproving grunt)

Donovan: “Yes, is this the Simpson residence?”

Marge: “Are you from the credit card company? Because… this isn’t the Simpson residence, it’s the…um… Juarez house, no habla ingles.”

(Marge gives a nervous laugh and tries to close the door. Donovan puts his hand out to hold the door open.)

Donovan: “Now hold on a minute. I’m not from a credit card company Mrs. Simpson, I was actually looking for the creator of this.”

(Donovan holds up the “2 Phat 4 U” shirt)

Marge: “Oh yeah, my son Bart made those a few years ago. But I thought they were out of circulation, where’d you find it?”

(Thinking back on his conversation with Disco Stu, Donovan gets a shiver down his spine)

Donovan: “That’s not important. Please, forgive my lack of manners, my name is Donovan Fletcher and I work for the SLB Company.”

Marge: “What the heck is SLB?”

Donovan: “Spoiled Little Bratz clothing.”

Marge: “Oh my.”

Donovan: “I’ve been assigned to come up with a brand new line of clothes that’ll be a hit with today’s stylish young people. I came across this shirt and I’m intrigued by its simple yet spunky nature. So if you wouldn’t mind I’d like to talk to your son about it, is he in?”

Marge: “You think my little Barty’s a fashion designer?”

Donovan: “Um… no but he may have something here.”

 Marge: “Ok, just a moment. Bart! Come down here a minute. A man wants to use you, I mean talk to you.”

(We hear footsteps down the stairs, Bart appears in the doorway.)

Bart: “This better be good mom, I was seconds away from perfecting a device to get sticky bird feed and crazy glue into a water balloon to chuck… I mean for science class.”

(Marge gives another disapproving grunt)

Bart: “Who the hell are you?”

Marge: “Bart!”

Bart: “D’oh!”

(Homer now appears behind Marge and Bart)

Homer: “Hey, get your own catch phrase.”

(A gray-suited, blue haired lawyer appears suddenly on the lawn)

Lawyer: He’s right you know. D’oh is the registered trademark of one Homer J Simpson, the unauthorized use of which could result in a $1000 dollar fine and 90 days imprisonment.”

Bart: “That’s bogus man.”

 Marge: “That’s what we get for living in a state founded by shyster lawyers.”

Homer: (In an exasperated gasp) “Marge!”

Marge: “Oh my God! I’m so sorry, that’s my great aunt Helga talking.”

Lawyer: “Mrs. Simpson, are you insinuating that all German people are anti-Semitic?”

Marge: “No, no! I was just saying… that… oh forget it, I need a drink.”

Homer: “Woo hoo! Oh Marge I’ve waited twenty years to hear you say that, this is the happiest day of my life!”

(Marge gives a disapproving grunt)

Homer: “Bart here’s twenty bucks, order a pizza and knock yourself out. I’m … (grabbing Marge) we’re going to Moe’s so don’t forget to wear your mommy and daddy special time earmuffs to bed tonight.”

(Homer pulls Marge away, we hear car doors slamming shut and tires peeling away)

Donovan: “Should I come back another time then?”

Bart: “Nah, you might as well come in, I have a feeling I won’t be the only one playing hooky tomorrow.”

Donovan: “Charming.”

(The two walk inside the house and sit on the couch)

Bart: “So, what are you doing with my shirts?”

Donovan: “Well Bart, this shirt is exactly the type of thing my company strives for. Something simplistic and stupid that none the less teems with the misguided sense of rebellion your generation is famous for.”

Bart: “Ok, I get that, but why me? I’m sure you have whole departments dedicated to coming up with ideas like this cruddy t-shirt.”

Donovan: “Astute observation Bart, indeed we do and I was originally going to just get you to sign away your creation for practically nothing but then it hit me, the idea of a shirt designed by a kid for kids, it’s marketing gold! This is exactly what we need to counter Disney and that damned Hannah Montana.

Bart: (slowly sliding a Hannah Montana pillow behind him as he says) “Pff, Hannah Montana blows.”

Donovan: “Yes, that’s the spirit old boy, with your help we’ll crush that Disney teen-bopper. Yes, we’ll get her like we got Brittney Spears.

Bart: “You’re gonna fix her up with Kevin Federline?”

Donovan: “What? No, don’t be silly.” (He turns aside and speaks into his watch “The boy knows too much, he must be terminated. Wait, strike that, he has to make us money first.”)

(Suddenly, Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as the terminator breaks down the front door)

Arnold: “John Connor?”

Donovan: “No you idiot and I just told you to cancel the bloody mission!”

Arnold: “Aww, but I left a lunch at the Playboy Mansion for this.”

Bart: “Aren’t you married?”

 Arnold: “Umm… Uhh…”

(Arnold runs back outside, we hear a motorcycle drive off while the Terminator theme plays)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 3 (The next morning in the Simpson house, breakfast is being served at the kitchen table. Marge’s hair looks disheveled and her eyes are a bit red as she serves square waffles.)

 

Bart: (As Marge places a plate down in front of him) “Mom, you said you were making waffles today, what gives?”

Marge: (Sluggishly) “Waffle maker’s in the shop honey.”

Bart: “Jeeze, when’s that hunk of junk not in the shop?”

Lisa: “Pff, tell me about it.”

Bart: “You know mom, I’m beginning to think you used it once and then returned it. I mean how many years does it take to repair a damn waffle maker?”

Marge: “Bart! Keep your voice down, mommy’s not doing so well with loud this morning. Besides, that’s ridiculous… (looks over at Homer who’s pouring maple syrup all over his plate) Homer don’t you get syrup on that tie, it has to go back to the… (Bart and Lisa stop eating and look up at Marge) to the… closet, yes the closet. You’re only supposed to wear it out on special occasions. Here let me get you another one.

(Marge nervously laughs, rips off Homer’s tie and runs upstairs)

Lisa: “So dad, is there something you care to share with us?”

Homer: (putting his arm around his breakfast plate) “Eat your own food.”

Lisa: “No dad, I meant a certain piece of information.”

Homer: “Keanu Reeves is actually a cyborg whose movies are meant to lull us all to sleep in advance of the machine invasion.”

Bart: “My god, his acting! It should’ve been so obvious. I mean come on, a walk in the clouds?”

(Just as Bart finishes his sentence, Arnold breaks down the back door and storms in the kitchen)

 Arnold: “You know too much, you must all be terminated.”

Lisa: “Don’t you have a dire budget deficit to be dealing with?”

Arnold: “Scheisse! I knew I forgot something. I’ll be back.”

(Once again, Arnold runs outside, the motorcycle peels out and we hear the terminator theme play)

Lisa: “Well that was odd, even for this family.”

Bart: “What I want to know is how he keeps getting here so fast?”

Homer: “No trifling with the mysteries of the universe at the table boy.’

Bart: “But dad…”

Homer: “I said don’t trifle.” (Homer shakes his fist at Bart)

Lisa: “So Bart, who was that British guy at the house last night?”

Bart: “Oh yeah, I’m going to be designing some t-shirts for SLB.”

Lisa: “You mean T.H.E. SLB? Bart this is huge, all the (making quotation marks with her hands) “cool” in kids at school wear SLB, not that I care what they think of me, my tacky orange dress, spiky hair dew, old lady pearls, chubby cheeks. Oh God! What have I become? Ahhhh!” (Lisa runs out of the kitchen screaming)

Bart: “Alrighty then, so what do you think dad?”

Homer: “Huh, what? We’re racing the Scorpions at thunder road?”

Bart: “That’s Grease Homer, focus. I’m going to be making t-shirts again.

Homer: “Ohhh! I nearly blew up the town last time.”

Bart: “How could I forget, the Department of Homeland Security came and interrogated the whole family, I don’t think Maggie’s been the same since.”

(Flash to Clint Eastwood from the movie “In the Line of Fire” talking on the phone)

Clint: “Let me tell you something Booth, you won’t get away with it. You hear me you son of a…”

(We see Maggie holding a phone in a darkened room, a sinister look in her eyes. The only light is a dim desk lamp showing a plastic gun and bullets like the one Booth used at the end of “Line of Fire.” We hear 3 sucking sounds from her pacifier in lue of Clint finishing “son of a bitch”. Maggie hangs up the phone just as the overhead light goes on and Marge enters the room)

Marge: “Ok Maggie, let’s go get you some breakfast.

(Marge picks up the baby as Maggie makes grabbing motions toward the desk as they leave the room.)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 4 (Back to the Breakfast table with Marge, Maggie and Homer, the kids have left for school.)

 

 Marge: “Homer you’re thinking about this the wrong way, you should be happy for Bart.

Homer: “Sure I’m happy for the little squirt but soon he could be making more money than me. I’m supposed to be the financial backbone of this family and if I’m not the provider then what am I? The nurturing, attentive father? We both know that ship sailed years ago.”

Marge: “Aww Homey, you’ll always be the breadwinner of the family. But this is a great opportunity for Bart. He’s probably not going to college, this could be the only chance he has to make something of himself.”

Homer: “Well the boy is creative. He finds new ways to drive me nut every day.”

Marge: “This could be an outlet for all that pent up… well whatever it is that makes Bart do the things he does.”

Homer: “Ohhh, I’m going to be upstaged by an eleven year old.”

Marge: “Bart’s ten Homer.”

Homer: “Still? Shish. Beaten by a ten year old and his stupid idea! I mean how hard could it be to put some words on a crappy t-shirt? Hey, that’s it, if the boy can do it so can I! Marge, get me my thinking hat and a beer!”

Marge: “You’re not planning on committing a felony are you Homer?”

Homer: “No, of course not honey”. (Homer turns and whispers in a soft voice facing the other way) “Shoplifting’s not a felony, it’s a crime, he he.”

Marge: (disapproving grunt)

End Scene

 

Scene 5 (We go to Bart’s classroom at Springfield Elementary School, he gets up from his own desk and walks to his teacher Edna Krabappel, who is very disinterestedly sitting behind her desk reading an Us Magazine)

 

Bart: “Good morning Mrs. Krabappel, and how are we today?”

Mrs. K: “Cut the crap Bart, what do you want?”

Bart: “I need to concentrate on a project of a personal nature and simply cannot be distracted by any attempts to teach me today.”

Mrs. K: “Bart the last time you tried to learn was when we discussed the French Revolution and you proclaimed yourself playground Robespierre.”

(We flash to the playground behind the school, where Bart, Milhouse and Nelson are wearing French revolutionary caps. Martin approaches indignantly).

Martin: “Bart, this has all gone too far, as class president it is my duty too…”

Bart: (Slaps Martin, speaking in French) “Silence! Out here your bourgeois insolence shall not be tolerated! Nelson, show this swine what we do with his kind.”

(Martin is marched to a guillotine, a large crowd gathers. Nelson places martin’s head in the slot, thunderous drum rolls. Once the frame is locked, isolating Martin’s head, Nelson proceeds to give him a savage noogie. The crowd cheers whilst La Marseillaise plays.)

Bart: “Oh yeah, is that why I’m not allowed in shop class anymore?”

Mrs. K: “Yes, it is also why you’re not allowed to organize large groups or speak French on school grounds.”

Milhouse: “Don’t let her get to you! Viva la Bart! Viva la Revolution!”

Mrs. K: “Shut up Milhouse!”

Milhouse: “Yes Mrs. Krabappel.”

Mrs. K: “Bart as long as you’re quiet and don’t harm the other children do whatever you want.”

Bart: “Ahhh, who says the American Education system doesn’t work?”

Mrs. K: “Yeah, the Japanese and Swedish are shaking in their boots.”

Bart: (returns to his seat, begins thinking to himself) “Ok, Donivan wants four more shirts for the meeting today, hmm let’s see here. (Bart smiles and begins scribbling) Haha, it practically writes itself, man this is gonna be easy.

(Flash forward to when Bart walks through the SLB offices in downtown Springfield. Passing through the enormous lobby he walks past pictures of Kate Moss and the Olsen twins. Bart now looks nervous as he carries his drawings to Donovan’s office.)

Bart: “Oh man this stuff is crap, what am I doing? I need a confidence boost, what would dad say?

Homer: (Pops up in a thought bubble) “Remember son, Simpsons are terrible at faking confidence. Instead we appear so pathetic and weak that people become disgusted and take pity on you.”

Bart: “D’oh!”

(The Blue haired, gray suited lawyer from earlier appears once again in the hallway in front of Bart.)

 Lawyer: “Sir, I insist that you cease and desist…”

Bart: “Oh go to hell!”

Lawyer: “That’s better… hey!”

(Bart knocks on Donovan’s door and is motioned to come in)

 Donovan: “Ah Bart! Come in, come in and have a seat. I’m very excited to hear your daring new ideas.”

Bart: “Ok, well I was inspired to create this last night from my dad.”

(Bart reveals the first sketch, a man is pictured having just fallen off a bar stool and miraculously landed on a pillow with the caption “Luck of the Irish”)

Donovan: “Hmm, that might not be for our target age group. Let’s see what else you have.”

Bart: “Now this one is close to my heart.”

(Bart reveals the next sketch. Mirroring the Last Supper, there is a boy sitting at the center of a cafeteria table, a devilish grin on his face. Six boys and six girls on either side of him are squished to the ends of the table, some holding their noses, all with looks of disgust. The caption reads “yes, it was me!”)

Donovan: “Now this is funny, but aren’t most children embarrassed when they fart?”

Bart: “Maybe girls are but boys take pride in their own brand.”

Donovan: “Lovely… alright moving on.”

Bart: “Ok, my next creation is also a favorite pastime of mine.”

(Bart reveals the next sketch .We see a woman sitting at a piano, her hands slapping her cheeks screaming. A boy is on a chair behind her standing, dangling a rubber spider on a string in front of her face. The caption reads, “Rubber spider and string, $3. Bringing the soprano out of your music teacher, priceless.”)

Donovan: “Well as long as we don’t get sued by Master Card that’s a keeper.”

Bart: “Great, now this one may be my favorite of the group.”

(Bart reveals the next sketch .The headless horseman is chasing Ichabod Crane, a flaming pumpkin is raised above the horsemen’s head as if he’s about to throw it. The caption in front reads, “When dealing with life’s surprises, just keep cool.” On the back, seemingly written in blood it reads, “And don’t lose your head.”)

Donovan: “My, my, it’s creepy and wildly inappropriate for children… it’ll be a best seller! Well done Bart, any others?”

Bart: “Well, I’ve got a couple for the ladies. Here’s the first.”

(Bart reveals a drawing for a pink shirt with, “Girlz just wanna have fun.” On the front and, “so boys take a hike.” On the back.)

Bart: “I know, it’s total crap.”

Donovan: “Oh Bart, while crap it may be there’ll be plenty of girls just stupid enough to buy them, so no worries.”

Bart: “Ok, last one.”

(Bart reveals the drawing of a simple red t-shirt with, “Don’t think I’m easy.” On the front and, “Let me show you instead.” On the back)

Donovan: “Don’t think this one will work, we’re looking for slightly risqué as opposed to downright slutty. Still, now we have some reasonably good material to work with, congratulations Bart!”

Bart: “Thank you sir.”

Donovan: “By the way, these are some wonderful illustrations you have. Did you sketch them yourself?”

Bart: “Hell no, I can’t draw for spit. I got my friend Ralph to do them for me.”

Donovan: “So will this Ralph be expecting compensation then?”

Bart: “Don’t worry, it’s been taken care of. I got Ralph to sign a contract forfeiting all legal claims to the drawings for five milk duds I found on the floor and Milhouse in last year’s Halloween costume.”

(Flash to Milhouse, who is standing in Ralph’s backyard dressed as a Wookie, Ralph like Han Solo)

Milhouse: “Ralph I really have to go home now, I have a therapist appointment in 20 minutes.”

Ralph: “This piece of paper says I own you so get in.” (Ralph points to a cardboard box with Millennium Falcon spray painted on it.)

Milhouse: “But it’s just a…”

(Chief Wiggum, who comes into screen sitting in a lawn chair, clicks his gun)

Chief Wiggum: “I’d get in the spaceship if I were you.”

(The two kids climb in, Milhouse is disturbed to see two fire extinguishers set up as the rockets)

Milhouse: “Umm Ralph, are the rockets aimed outside or in here?”

Ralph: “Blast off!”

(We hear the extinguishers go off and watch as the box overflows with foam. Now we skip back to Donovan’s office.)

Donovan: “Outstanding! Listen I’m going to get the boys down in production started on this. I’ll have prototypes produced for a fashion show two weeks from Saturday where I intend to premier our new line, can you make it?”

Bart: “Wow, sure! I didn’t know kid’s shirts were modeled.”

Donovan: “Of course, when people, even kids see their genetic superiors wearing something they must have it or risk becoming out of touch.

Bart: “Ain’t life a bitch?”

Donovan: “I’ll drink to that.” (Donovan whips out a flask)

Bart: “But it’s 10:00 in the morning.”

Donovan: “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

Bart: “Touché.”

Donovan: “Let’s go to lunch and discuss your contract, unless you’d rather I discuss it with your father.”

Bart: “Nah, somehow I don’t think that will be helpful. Besides there’s this lawyer guy whose been following me around. Hold on a second.” (Bart turns around and yells) “D’oh!”

(The Blue haired, gray suited lawyer appears once more in the doorway)

Lawyer: “Mr. Simpson, do I have to remind you…”

(Bart cuts the lawyer off)

Bart: “Hey creepy lawyer guy, feel like making a commission today?”

Lawyer: “Why yes, yes I do.”

Donovan: (Looking flabbergasted) “This town is just bizarre.”

Bart: “I’m pretty sure all the chemicals in the drinking water have caused brain damage. That’s why every full moon the entire town breaks out into show tunes and lights fires.”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 6 (Now at the Springfield Mall, we find Homer and Barney walking through a department store.)

 

Barney: “Wow Homer that’s a tough break. I guess Bart’s going to be the man of the house now.”

Homer: “Hey! As long as I sleep in the big boy bed with Marge I’m the man.”

Barney: “I don’t know, Bart might want to start asserting his authority over the house, including who sleeps where.”

Homer:  “Have you been drinking again?”

Barney: (belches and is now seen holding a bottle of scotch) “I hope that’s what this is. Last week I accidentally drank a bottle of turpentine. I don’t know what happened but when I woke up there was a gerbil where there shouldn’t have been a gerbil.”

Homer: “Hmm… that gives me an idea. Barney do you care if you go to jail again?”

Barney: “Why not? My rap sheet’s not getting any shorter.”

Homer: “Great, follow me.”

(Homer is now at a department store register with one plain white t-shirt. The pimply faced teen is behind the counter)

Teen: “Will that be all sir?”

Homer: “Yes.”

Teen: (We see him reading off the computer screen) “Do you have a rewards card today?”

Homer: “No.”

Teen: “Would you like to sign up for our No-Vantage program?”

Homer: “Does it do anything?”

Teen: “Umm, I think you get a coupon sometime after you overspend on our crappy merchandise. Ut oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that, it’s not on the prompter.”

Homer: “Does it have actual advantages?”

Teen: “No.”

Homer: “So why the hell are you wasting my time?”

Teen: “umm… uhhh…”

 Homer: “Here, just take the money.”

Teen: (fumbling with the plastic bag) “Here you are sir.”

(Barney comes running into the scene, butt naked, wearing a children’s walrus toy on his head and waiving his arms up and down.)

Barney: “I am the walrus, Goo goo ga! (belch)”

(While several security people tackle Barney and everyone else is watching, Homer stuffs his bag full of white t-shirts and sneaks off. When he gets to the door he holds up his bag to the greeter with the receipt on top, the greeter nods and Homer walks out the doors into the parking lot.)

Homer: “Woo Hoo! I am so smart.”

(Looking straight ahead, he fails to see and steps right into a giant pile of dog poop.)

Homer: “D’oh!”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 7 (Now at Moe’s, Homer is spray painting his newly found t-shirts in a backroom, Moe walks in.)

 

Moe: “Uh, Homer I don’t think you’re supposed to do that wit da shirts. The spray painting I mean, forget the petty theft.”

Homer: “Nonsense, this is capitalism at its finest. I’m just embodying the American spirit of free enterprise.”

Moe: “I think you’re full of crap”

Homer: “Hey! You’re one to talk of legality, Moemar.”

Moe: “Ok, ok I won’t say nothing but when you get busted you were never here, capiche?”

Homer: (thumbs up) “Gotcha.”

Moe: “What are these shirts gonna say anyway?”

Homer: “Here, see for yourself.”

(One is written in very small letters, “Nosey little weasel aren’t ya.” The other one has, “I’m with stupid.” On it with an arrow spray painted on it, pointing up.)

 Moe: “Homer, I think they already got them I’m with stupid shirts. Besides, you got the arrow pointed up so you’re calling yourself stupid.”

Homer: “Moe that’s not… D’oh!”

Moe: “Give me one good reason why anybody is going to pay money for these lousy shirts.”

Homer: “I’ll give you two words, American made.”

Moe: “What?”

Homer: “That’s right, every red blooded, God fearing, French hating citizen is gonna want a product made with good ole’ American pride. And, if they don’t they’re dirty commies… or Democrats.”

Moe: “What’s the difference?”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 8 (Now back in the schoolyard of Springfield Elementary, Lisa is walking with her lunch of PBJ in hand when she comes across Milhouse.)

 

Milhouse: “Hey Lisa! Did you know that Bart just left in the middle of class today? I haven’t seen him in hours.”

Lisa: “Pff, I’m not surprised, I don’t know why he even shows up anymore. We’re talking about a kid who still thinks the Blair Witch Project is a real documentary.”

Milhouse: “Is that why he always films me running away and screaming in my high pitched voice?”

Lisa: “No, he does that because he thinks you’re a wuss.”

Milhouse: “Oh, ok… Anyway I gotta go. If Nelson doesn’t give me my wedgie by 12:30 I get a rear admiral at 1:00.”

(As Milhouse walks away Sherri, Terry and a couple of other popular girls walk up to Lisa.)

Terry: “Hey miss big butt, how’s your big butt today?” (Group begins to laugh)

Lisa: “Miss big butt?”

Sherri: “Yeah Lisa, your butt’s so big it needs its own zip code.”

Lisa: “Stop it, that’s not funny!”

Terry: “You know what is funny? You’re so fat if you sat on skittles a rainbow would pop out.”

Lisa: “You know what Terry, why don’t you sit on this!”

(Lisa punches Terry, who falls to the ground and bangs her knee. Terry cries while Lisa stands over her, fists clenched, fuming. Principle Skinner comes running over.)

Skinner: “What’s going on here? (gasps) Lisa!”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 9 (Now in Principle Skinner’s office, Marge and Lisa are sitting in front of the desk, Skinner is hunched over.)

 

Skinner: “Am I to assume that Mr. Simpson won’t be joining us today?”

Marge: “Homer is… well indisposed at the moment… at work that is.”

Skinner: “Right… anyway this is quite a serious and disturbing matter, fighting on school grounds. I expect this type of bawdry behavior from Bart who, coincidently, disappeared from school hours ago.”

Marge: “What are you talking about? He’s right there.”

(Marge points to the open doorway where Bart waves to everyone.)

Skinner: “Where have you been?”

Bart: “Field Trip.”

Skinner: “Malarkey!”

Bart: “No, downtown.”

Skinner: (getting very aggravated) “You just earned yourself detention.”

Bart: “Already have it.”

Skinner: “Just go back to class.”

Bart: “Sure thing Principle sucker.”

(Skinner grits his teeth while Bart walks away laughing, Marge gives a disapproving grunt)

Skinner:  “I never thought I’d have to say this but I’m going to have to suspend Lisa.”

Marge: “What? Principle Skinner be reasonable, Lisa’s never done anything like this before.”

Skinner: “I’m sorry Mrs. Simpson but the rules are clear, it’s only for 2 days.”

Marge: “And what, may I ask will happen to the group of girls who bullied my child?”

Skinner: “Well, according to the witnesses Lisa and Terry were just talking when Lisa suddenly attacked her.”

Marge: “Who did you talk to?”

Skinner: “The girls who witnessed the altercation.”

Marge: “Right, because they’d be the most reliable sources.”

Skinner: “My sentiments exactly.”

Marge: “This is outrageous! You can’t punish my little girl for defending herself against bullies.”

Skinner: “Unfortunately that’s the only choice I… (Gets “the look” from Marge) Ok, maybe we could work something out. (Thinks for a second) I’ll tell you what, if Lisa would be willing to go and apologize to Terry, I’ll consider reducing the suspension to a detention.”

Lisa: (Standing up and pushing back her chair) “I will never apologize for standing up for myself!”

Marge: “Nor should you, come on honey I’ll take you home.”

Skinner: “She’ll be allowed back in school on Monday.”

Marge: “Oh blow it out your keester mister.”

(Lisa cries as Marge takes her by the hand and walks her out of the office, Skinner is left baffled)

 

End Scene

Scene 10 (It’s now Friday morning, Homer is getting ready to leave, carrying a large brown box. As he walks through the living room Lisa is lying on the couch with a blank stare.)

 

Homer: “Bye bye honey, daddy will see you later.”

Lisa: (sluggishly) “Bye”

Homer: “What’s wrong, do you have a tummy ache?”

Lisa: “No dad, I’m still suspended from school remember?”

Homer: “Oh, I thought yesterday was opposite day. So Bart wasn’t helping the Flanders kids carry their lunch bags? (Lisa shakes her head) Damnit, can’t I have one kid who behaves? (looks at Lisa) Sorry honey.”

Lisa: “It’s ok dad, I’m disappointed in myself as well. I violated my Buddhist principles of non-violence by punching Terry. But I’m still so mad, I’m sitting here wallowing in self-pity, humiliated while nothing happens to her. It’s not fair!”

Homer: “I know, life’s not fair. I’ve been working hard at my job for twenty years and I haven’t gotten a raise since ’99. (Gets a look from Lisa) Well I’ll just leave you to your thoughts.”

(Homer kisses Lisa on the forehead and leaves the room. He runs into Marge by the front door, they both look back at a despondent Lisa.)

Homer: “Gee Marge, Lisa’s really broken up about all this.”

Marge: “I know, I’m worried about her. She hasn’t been this upset since they cancelled My Name Is Earl.”

Homer: (Shaking his head) “When will they learn, you don’t cancel a good series without wrapping things up. (Homer looks directly into the camera “You hear that Fox!”) You know I ought to go down to the school and teach that Skinner a lesson.”

Marge: “I think one felony’s enough for today Homer.”

Homer: “What are you talking about? I’m just selling homemade t-shirts.”

Marge: “Which you shoplifted.”

Homer: “Pff, nobody cares about that. Between the terrorists and the illegals big brother doesn’t have time for petty criminals like me, it’s a golden age Marge.”

Marge: “Just promise me you won’t get arrested.”

 Homer: “Fine I promise… you know where the bail money jar is right?”

Marge: (Disapproving grunt)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 11 (Now we arrive at Moe’s. Homer has a t-shirt stand set up against the front of the building. Across the top of the stand is a sign with, “T-shirts $15” on it. Homer has a few of the shirts draped over the front of the stand, the “I’m With Stupid” shirt and a “Team CoCo” shirt. Moe walks out of the bar.)

 

Moe: “So how’s business Homer?”

Homer: “Ok I guess, I’ve only sold two so far. One said disco still sucks and the other one was I smelt it, you dealt it.”

Moe: “Well that’s two more than I thought you’d sell. Just remember, if you get busted by the cops and rat me out, I’ll gut you like a fish.”

Homer: “10:4 good buddy.”

(Moe goes back inside as Disco Stu struts up to the stand)

Disco Stu: “I heard you think disco sucks.” (He punches Homer)

Homer: “Oww, what the hell? You’re the one who bought the shirt.”

Disco Stu: (Punches him again) “That’s for bringing it up again. Disco Stu’s a complicated man! He also did a lot of blow back in the 70’s. (walking away) Where do I live again?”

(Stu leaves the picture, Chief Wiggum walks up with officer Lou.)

Wiggum: “Morning Simpson, watcha got there?”

Homer: “I’m selling t-shirts in order to humiliate my nine year old son.”

Wiggum: “Isn’t Bart ten?”

Homer: “Meh, I lose track. What can I do ya for chief?”

Wiggum: “Well me and Lou…”

Lou: “Actually chief, it’s Lou and I.”

Wiggum: “Lou I swear to God if you correct me one more time you’ll be walking the night beat in Cracktown.”

Lou: “Uh chief I grew up in Cracktown, most of my family’s still there.”

Wiggum: “I just can’t win with you, can I? Anyway, Lou and I just came from the mall where we saw video footage of a bald, fat, yellow male shoplifting in excess of thirty shirts. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you Homer? What with your overnight t-shirt business and all.”

Homer: “It took you two days to do that?”

Wiggum: “Well I was tired and cranky yesterday. The wife caught me with my hand in the cookie jar… hey wait a minute, how did you know the theft took place on Wednesday?”

Homer: “Umm, lucky guess? (getting a dirty look from the cops) Here chief, how’s about a shirt?”

(The shirt simply says, “Oink, Oink” Wiggum is not amused, he reaches on his belt for a taser. Homer wakes up rubbing his head, laying down in a jail cell.)

Homer: “Oh crap, Marge is gonna be pissed. Speaking of pissed… (Homer looks down at his crotch which is soaked) D’oh!”

(Homer looks over and sees Barney sitting by the toilet bowl)

Barney: “Hey Homer, I was wondering when you’d show up.”

Homer: “Barney, what are you still doing here?”

Barney: “Well I already made bail but I wanted to stay. I’ve discovered an incredible recipe toilet bowl brandy, have a taste.”

(Barney hands Homer a paper cup, Homer takes a sip and is clearly excited)

Homer: “Wow, this is fantastic! How’d you do it?”

Barney: “Well, you start by…”

(In the middle of the sentence Barney is hit in the head with a pipe. Moe walks over and flushes the toilet before dragging Barney away.)

Moe: “if you know what’s good for ya, you’ll keep your trap shut, capiche?”

Homer: “Sure thing. (watches Moe drag Barney out of the picture) I’ve gotta find a new bartender.”

Moe: (From off screen) “What was that?”

Homer: “You’re the world’s best bartender?”

Moe: “That’s better.”

 

End Scene

Scene 12 (It’s the next day, Bart and Lisa are pulling on their jackets in front of the door as Marge enters.)

 

Marge: “Alright kids, ready to go?”

Bart: “Hell yeah!”

Lisa: “Whatever.”

Marge: “Oh Bart, I’m so proud… (phone rings) Hold that thought.”

(Marge leaves the room, Bart turns to Lisa)

Bart: “Lisa, don’t you have something you’d like to say to your soon to be famous brother?”

Lisa: “Yeah, invest in some mouthwash.”

Bart: “Hey, that’s not nice. (Bart does a breath test) Eww, ok you got me.”

(Marge re enters, a concerned look upon her face)

Marge: “Ok let’s go, I’ll drop you two off at the show but then I have to go, your father’s in jail again.”

Bart: “Oh man, I don’t know why they even bother.”

Lisa: “They know he won’t learn anything.”

Bart: “What a doofus.”

Marge: “Doofus shmoofus mister! Your father is a good man. Sure he commits petty crime, has the IQ of a ground squirrel and spends far too much time with the bar-flies at Moe’s but he’s always taken care of you kids. He keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table, so you two show him some respect.”

Bart and Lisa: “Sorry mom.”

Marge: “Good, now let’s get in the car… and hope for a misdemeanor classification.”

(Now at the Springfield Expo Center, home of the 2011 Junior’s Fashion Show. Marge is dropping off Bart and Lisa)

Marge: “Bart, good luck. And Lisa try to have a little fun.”

(Marge hugs both Bart and Lisa. Then she gets back in the car with Maggie and drives off to bail out Homer)

Bart: “Well Lisa, this will be my crowning achievement.”

Lisa: “I thought your crowning achievement was when you slipped two whole bottles of laxative in the cafeteria chili last year.”

Bart: “Haha, that was awesome. Groundskeeper Willie knocked over five kids to get to the bathroom, oh the humanity! Muhahahaha!”

Lisa: “Aren’t you the little achiever.”

Bart: “Hey, don’t hate just because you got hosed by Skinner. He’s been doing that to me for years and you don’t see me complaining.”

Lisa: “But I don’t constantly misbehave.”

Bart: “Tomato, tomato, same thing. Come on I know a guy who hooked me up with backstage passes to this thing.”

Lisa: “His name is Donovan and he produced the shirts you designed dummy.”

Bart: “Oh yeah, man I need to take some Ginkgo Biloba.”

(Bart and Lisa walk backstage past several boy and girl models, some of which are wearing Bart’s shirts. They run into Donovan, who is taking a swig from his flask.)

Donovan: “Ah Bart! Delighted you could make it. And this must be your little sister Lisa.”

Bart: “Hey man, what’s up? Having a pre-show celebration are we?”

Donovan: “No, I’m just a raging alcoholic.”

Bart: “Cool, so I saw some of the shirts, they look fantastic.”

Donovan: “Thank you, thank you. I personally stood in the production shop with a golf club and said if they didn’t work quickly I’d tee off on their coffee & cigarette machine. Needless to say they cooperated.”

Bart: “Cool man.”

Lisa: “You know you need help right?”

Donovan: “Every waking moment. Listen I have to run, I’m going to be out in the crowd with a critic from In-Magazine, making her an offer she can’t refuse. You two can watch from back here, cheers Bart, Lisa.”

(Donovan takes another swig from his flask and walks away. Music comes on and the show is about to begin. A woman comes over the PA and introduces the SLB company)

Announcer: “SLB, because you’re a little stinker, and the whole world should know it.”

(With the announcement Bart and Lisa watch as several models begin to parade past them.)

Bart: “Isn’t this something sis? Your big brother is going to be a star.”

Lisa: “It’s certainly something, I never thought you’d be referred to as a star unless it was directly proceeded by the word porn.”

Bart: “Because I’m in such a good mood I’m gonna let that one go.”

( A model named Phoebe is passing by, Bart’s jaw drops. She is wearing the, “2 Phat 4 U” shirt.)

Bart: “Aye carumba! Hey, you know I designed the shirt you’re wearing.”

Phoebe: “Umm, good for you.”

Bart: “Yes, yes it is. I’ll be a famous man in need of some arm candy, how’d you like the part?”

Phoebe: “Yeah, that’s just not gonna happen.”

Lisa: “You know you’re just promoting the dangerous image of the rail thin female that is destroying a generation of young women all in the name of corporate profit, right?”

Phoebe: “Now that’s a mouthful… typical coming from a chubby girl.”

Lisa: “What did you say?”

Phoebe: “Oh I didn’t stutter. I said your butt could block out the sun, now what are you going to do about it?”

Lisa: “Why you little… I’m gonna… you… you…”

(Lisa bursts into tears and runs away, hands covering her face. Bart takes a few steps after her as Phoebe heads for the runway.)

Bart: “Lisa, wait!”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 13 (Back at the Simpson residence, Lisa is sitting on the couch crying her eyes out. The whole family is there with her, Homer puts his arm around Lisa and tries to comfort her.)

 

Homer: “Aww there, there honey. It’s ok, people call me fat all the time and it doesn’t bother me…”

(Now Homer begins to sob. Marge sits next to him and takes his hand in hers.)

Marge: “Oh Homey don’t cry. You’re not fat, you’re just big boned… or husky.”

Bart: “I’m sorry about Phoebe, Lisa. Don’t you worry she’s gonna get hers. It’s been arranged.”

(We flash to a Mickey Mouse Club performance at Disney World, the club theme song is being sung. A bunch of hyper mousekateers are dancing and singing about. Then a costumed Mickey and Minnie appear, Minnie takes off her head and it’s Phoebe pleading to the crowd.)

Phoebe: “If anyone can understand me please help, the Disney Corporation is holding me here against my will. I’m forced to perform 18 shows a day on only four slices of bread and water. Somebody call my…”

(Phoebe cannot finish her sentence as she is hit in the neck with a dart and falls down. A man in a black suit and sunglasses runs up on stage, the dart tube still in his hand. He checks the girl and is joined on stage by an identical agent.)

Agent 1: “She has disobeyed the mouse.”

Agent 2: “We’ll transfer her to Disney Siberia.”

Agent 1: “Ok folks, nothing to worry about, Minnie’s just all tuckered out and needs a nap. In the meantime a friendly and loyal cast member will be around to pass out free meal vouchers for everybody who has selective memories.”

(The crowd cheers wildly while Phoebe is dragged off stage and into a waiting golf cart.)

Lisa: “Thanks you guys but I need to be alone for a while.”

(Lisa wipes away her tears and walks upstairs, the sound of a door is heard closing.)

Bart: “Wow, Lisa’s really broken up about this.”

Marge: “She’s a woman honey, and even the strongest of us is vulnerable to that kind of repeated cruelty. We just have to give her space and be supportive.”

Bart: “I don’t have to do any of that touchy feely crap do I?”

Marge: “Bart!”

Bart: “Ok, ok sorry. Geeze, women, am I right Homer?”

Homer: “I plead the fifth amendment.”

Marge: (Disapproving grunt)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 14 (Riding the bus to school on Monday, Bart and Lisa are sharing a bench. Lisa stares aimlessly out the window, Bart looks over at her.)

 

Bart: “Can I just say Lisa that you look… fine today.”

Lisa: “Bart, never tell a girl she looks just fine because to us that sounds more like you look terrible, fat or ugly and I’m too lazy or gutless to say anything about it so I’ll give you a half-assed complement instead!”

Bart: “Whoa, ok then. How about the weather we’re having, could it be any more cloudy?”

Lisa: “Please just be quiet.”

Bart: “Fine, you know what I’m done! I spent my whole weekend trying to cheer you up, I even covered the Flanders’ backyard in honey and disturbed angry bee hives but I guess I wasted my time so you’re on your own sis.”

Lisa: “Fine by me.”

(Lisa goes through the whole morning in class having flashbacks of the mean girls calling her fat. She is becoming increasingly depressed as she walks out onto the playground for recess.)   

Milhouse: “Hey Lisa, good to see you back. You’re a hero to us nerds you know, I wish I could stand up to my bullies but last time I tried that I woke up in a hospital. That’s why I don’t remember most of 2004.”

Lisa: “Thanks Milhouse.”

Milhouse: “No problem. Well I have to run, I acted too proud during science today so Nelson has to put me in my place, keep the faith Lisa.”

(As before, Milhouse walks away and the group of girls comes into the picture.)

Sherry: “So Lisa, do you think you can keep your fat hands off my sister or should I toss you a piece of fudge to keep you occupied?”

Lisa: “Haven’t you people had enough?”

Terry: “That depends, haven’t you had enough cheeseburgers?”

Lisa: “I’m a vegetarian you idiot.”

Terry: “So are you just a tree hugger, or do you eat them too?

Lisa: “I don’t have time for this, why don’t you all get with the times and cyber bully like everyone else you antiquated morons.” (Lisa walks away)

Sherry: “Uggh, the nerve of some people. I’m totally gonna go home and make a Facebook group about her.”

(As the group chats amongst themselves Bart approaches them, a hose in his hand. He begins spraying the girls and they all fall out of the picture.)

Bart: “Mean girls suck! Not the movie though, that Tina Fey cracks me up every time.”

 

End Scene

 

Scene 15 (It’s after school now, Lisa is sitting on the living room couch channel surfing.)

 

Lisa: “Ok, I just need to relax. People will forget all about this once Ralph soils himself in class again or Bart sets off illegal fireworks in the gym and shouts Chinese fire drill over the PA like two years ago. Let’s see what’s on good old TV.

(First Lisa flips on the Krusty the Clown show, we see Sideshow Mel being carted off in a wheelbarrow.)

Krusty: “Wasn’t that amazing boys and girls? Let’s have another round of applause for Sideshow Mel, the human bowling pin! Now for a special treat, the Krusty the Clown show is proud to present, the Krustettes!”

(As Krusty says this, three very skinny women in clown makeup run out and start dancing to the band Heart’s “Barracuda.” Lisa quickly flips the channel to A&E.)

Biography Announcer: “And now back to the A&E Biography of Twiggy, followed by Keira Knightley. Kate Winslet not featured.”

(Lisa throws down the controller and runs upstairs. Bart comes in the room and looks at the TV.)

Bart: “What the hell’s a Twiggy?”

(Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow” begins playing on the TV and Bart’s eyes widen, he gives a cat call. Meanwhile Lisa is now sitting on her bed with the door closed.)

Lisa: “What am I going to do? I’ve been on a strict diet for months and I don’t look like I’ve lost any weight. I just can’t win!”

(She notices a magazine lying next to her, it turns out to be an issue of People. She flips to an article on bulimia, a recovering girl is being interviewed.)

Lisa: “Hmm, it says here she lost 35 lbs in just one month doing this… control yourself Lisa! This is a life threatening disorder that has killed hundreds of self-conscious women. I must be out of my mind.”

(Suddenly Lisa hears someone calling her name, she looks around the room.)

Lisa: “Hello, who’s there? Mom I already told you I don’t want any lemon squares.”

(Still, the voice continues to call her. Lisa walks toward the door, trying to follow the voice. Something in the mirror catches her eye so she walks over and looks at her reflection, it stares right back)

Mirror Lisa: “Hello Lisa, why so sad?”

Lisa: “Well, it’s finally happened. Years of eating low grade Krusty products and living in this town has driven me completely insane.”

Mirror Lisa: “What are you talking about? You’re just one of the cool kids now, like the girls in Beautiful Creatures and Jan Brady. If it makes you feel better you could say I’m your conscience”

Lisa: “What do you want? I have a lot of wallowing to do so make it fast.”

Mirror Lisa: “Well that’s just it, you don’t have to hate yourself anymore. I’ve got the solution to your problems.”

Lisa: “Let me guess, bulimia?”

Mirror Lisa: “You sound skeptical, don’t be. It works and it works fast, all the celebrities are doing it.”

Lisa: “Yeah, because Hollywood women are so well known for being in touch with reality. Besides I’d rather be a bit doughy then dead.”

Mirror Lisa: “Look, you can let those girls have the satisfaction cracking you and believe me, they will. Or you can shed some quick pounds and really stick it to them, the choice is yours.”

(The reflection stops talking and Lisa walks away, beginning to think to herself. She looks back and forth between her sax and the door. Finally, she takes a long look at her sax.)

Lisa: “I tried that already, oh God I give up!”

(Lisa goes running out of the room and down the hall.)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 16 (It’s been a couple of weeks since the episode of Lisa and her paranoid, talking reflection. The Simpson family is gathered around the dinner table on pork chop night, everyone including Lisa looks happy.)

 

Marge: “So Homer, how was your day?”

Homer: “Great, Lenny and Carl bet me five bucks that I couldn’t clear out the cafeteria with just one fart. Needless to say I am now five dollars richer.”

Marge: “That’s… uh wonderful dear.  How was school kids?

Bart: “Fantastic, while Nelson was giving Milhouse a wedgie I snuck in behind and pants’d him! What’s even better is when Nelson turned around to clobber yours truly I ducked and he punched Willie instead. It was hilarious and the best part is I didn’t get detention for it.”

Marge: “Bart that was very thoughtless, and wouldn’t Nelson have reported you to a teacher?”

Bart: “Come on mom, you think Nelson wants the whole school to know I got the drop on him?”

Homer: “Won’t the little scamp come after you now?”

Bart: “Fat chance, not as long as I’ve got Arnie here to watch my back.”

(Arnold is standing behind Bart, sporting his black leather jacket, black sunglasses, Terminator 2 look.)

Arnold: “If anyone touches John Conner, they will be terminated.”

Marge: “But his name’s not… you know what I don’t even want to know. How are you doing Lisa?”

Lisa: “Never better mom. I feel great, the girls at school have stopped making fun of me and I’m even thinking of entering the Little Miss Springfield Pageant again.”

Marge: “That’s great honey. But, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. You’re starting to look a bit gaunt, are you eating enough?”

Lisa: “Mom! Come on now I’m totally over my little image crisis. Besides, I already cleared my plate, I even beat dad.”

Homer: “Hey, no fair. I was distracted by attempts at dinner conversation, thanks a lot Marge.”

Marge: “Oh relax Homer, I’m sure you’ll still give yourself heartburn tonight.”

Homer: “Damn Straight!” (Homer begins stuffing his face while Marge covers hers in shame.)

Lisa: “May I please be excused for a moment? I need to use the little girl’s room.”

Marge: “Sure honey, go ahead.”

(Lisa is quickly out of her seat and darts upstairs, a door slams. Marge turns to Homer and whispers in his ear.)

Marge: “Homer… (he continues to stuff his face obliviously.) Homer!

Homer: “What now? I’m trying to fend off starvation here.”

Marge: “Could you go check on Lisa? She’s been acting really odd recently and my mother’s intuition tells me something’s not right.”

Homer: “But Marge, she said she’s fine and I’ve still got half a pork chop left.”

Marge: “Homer!”

Homer: “Alright, I’m going, I’m going. But I expect a reward tonight, even if I have gas.”

Marge: “You always have gas, get moving.”

(Homer gets up and mumbles to himself as he goes upstairs. First he pops his head in Lisa’s room, she’s not there. Then his appears in the attic and looks around but to no avail. Next Homer sticks his head out a window and calls Lisa, sees Flanders power walking.)

Flanders: “Heidly ho neighborino!”

Homer: “Shut up Flanders.”

(Homer is walking down the hall when he sees the bathroom light on and what sounds like someone vomiting.)

Homer: (knocking on the door) “Lisa honey, you ok in there? Supermarket lady said the mushrooms were good to eat and you know she’s not a hippie either because she wore deodorant.”

Lisa: “I’m fine dad, be out in a second.”

Homer: “Do you want daddy to hold your hair?”

(Homer pushes open the door and walks in to see Lisa with her head just above the toilet, cleaning off her right hand with a towel.)

Lisa: “Dad, get out!”

Homer: “Oh, sorry honey. I just thought your tummy was bothering you and wanted to help.”

Lisa: “I’m not sick, just go.”

Homer: “But if you’re not sick why are you making tummy juice? You haven’t started drinking already have you?”

Lisa: “That’s ridiculous, I’m eight years old.”

Homer: “Hmm, something’s not right. Does this have to do with kids picking on you about your weight? You have been getting skinny recently.”

Lisa: “Dad, just hold on…”

Homer: “Lisa don’t interrupt daddy when he’s thinking, it doesn’t happen often and I’d like to take advantage of it. Now you’re getting sick for no apparent reason. I think I saw this on Dateline once… (Homer lets out a gasp) Lisa, are you making yourself sick to lose weight?”

Lisa: “No, it’s just I’m, I’m…Yes, it’s true! Are you happy now?”

(Lisa breaks down and cries while Homer stands frozen in horror.)

 

End Scene

 

Scene 17 (Now in Lisa’s room, Homer and Lisa are sitting on the bed with Homer holding Lisa and stroking her hair.)

 

Homer: “Lisa, how long have you had the bohemia?”

Lisa: “It’s pronounced bulimia dad… not long.”

Homer: “But why would you do this to yourself? Getting sick on purpose like that could make you even sicker, Stone Phillips said so.”

Lisa: “I don’t know, because I felt fat and wanted to look beautiful for once in my life.”

Homer: “Aww honey, you are beautiful, the apple of my eye. You make Angelina look like the woman with the mustache down by the gas station.”

Lisa: “You’re just saying that.”

Homer: “Nonsense, I’m being honest, she looks like David Crosby. (Lisa chuckles) See there you go, that’s my girl.”

Lisa: “I’m sorry dad, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. God, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.”

Homer: “Well here’s what we are going to be doing. You’re going to come back downstairs with daddy so we can break the news to your mother together. And when we wake up tomorrow I’m going to look in the phone book for a good hipnopotomist.”

Lisa: “Dad, are you trying to say you’re going to find me a therapist?”

Homer: “Hey, Hippo or thero, whichever helps get my little girl better.”

Lisa: (Gives Homer a big hug) “Thanks dad, for saving me from myself.”

Homer: “Anytime sweetie, Jebus knows you and your mother have saved me enough times.”

Lisa: “I almost forgot about Mom, do you think she’s going to freak out?”

Homer: “Of course not. Besides if she gets too up in arms I’ll remind your mother about her little gambling problem.”

Lisa: “Yeah… mom’s going to take that one really well.”

Homer: “Because everybody loves having their flaws pointed out to them in front of an audience, right? Just like that Dr. Phil guy does, or an internet message board.”

Lisa: (Lisa shakes her head and laughs) “Oh dad, what would I do without you?”

Homer: “I love you too my little angel.”

(Homer and Lisa walk out of the room hand in hand as all fades to black.)

 

The End