The Simpsons Present “The Adventures of Margie and Howinkle” (Unfinished)

Simpson’s Episode “The Adventures of Margy and Howinkle.”

By Sean Mulcahy


Scene 1: (At the Simpson house Lisa has just arrived home. Bart is sitting in front of the TV, cross-legged on the ground. Lisa walks in the room with a tired look on her face, she and Homer had been out for hours trying to find Lisa the right therapist. They have nothing to show for it.)


Bart: “Hey Lisa, how’d the cry baby coach hunt go today?”


Lisa: “They’re called therapists Bart.”


Bart: “Whatever, mom told me to try and have thoughtful, constructive conversation with you but I can only care for so long. You’ve got thirty seconds before I stop paying attention, go.”


Lisa: (shaking her head) “Men and their sensitivity.”


Bart: “After all this time, did you really expect more? ”


Lisa: “Point taken. As you know mom and dad signed an agreement with the city that you are never to be alone in a house full of power tools and kitchen utensils, so it was dad’s turn to look for therapists with me.”


Bart: “Pretty big accomplishment for a man who can’t spell therapist.”


Lisa: “Can you?”


Bart: “…touché.”


Lisa: “Anyway, dad tried his best but… well I’m going to just come out and say it, I don’t know where he found these people.”


(Homer and Lisa walk into an office, it’s dark and dirty, a Freud style couch missing a leg is sitting in the corner. Dr. Nick, who had been sleeping behind a desk is startled by the opening of the office door.)


Dr. Nick: “Oh, hi everybody.”


Homer and Lisa: “Hi Dr. Nick!”


Lisa: “I didn’t know you were a therapist.”


Dr. Nick: “Sure, it’s easy. I just let people complain about their lives for an hour, then I give them the medicine.”


(Dr. Nick points over to a bottle with medicine sloppily written on a white label and taped on. He then whispers in Homer’s ear.)


Dr. Nick: “It’s really bourbon.” (Now speaking aloud again) “And the best part is I only charge $39.95 for the whole hour, happy medicine included!”


Homer: “Well, you can’t beat that price. Say doc, I’m feeling really down right now, can I have some happy medicine? (Homer winks)


Lisa: “Are you state certified?”


Dr. Nick: “Well, that piece of paper over on the wall says I am.”


(The certificate says “Nicholas Rivera~ committed to the Springfield Insane Asylum 1989”)


Lisa: “I think we’re going to keep looking, thank you doctor. Come on dad, we’re leaving.”


Homer: (About to drink the “medicine”) “Ohhh… alright.” (puts down the bottle)


Dr. Nick: “Hold on now, I can see you’re a very selective customer so let’s make a deal. I’ll throw in any surgery for just an additional $29.95. Usually the women go for plastic surgery, how about a tummy tuck little girl?”


(The camera is zoomed in on Dr. Nick’s face as Homer’s arm comes flying into the picture and decks him.)


Bart: “Ouch, he really said that?”


Lisa: “Yeah, well Dr. Nick is probably still looking for his teeth. Anyway the rest of the search wasn’t any better. We found one decent candidate but just as we were going to have an introductory session dad was out in the waiting room about to fight a six year old over a game of battleship.”


Bart: (shakes his head) “Oh Homer.”


Lisa: “Needless to say we are not allowed in that office anymore. After that one I told dad to just take me home. But, to his credit he stopped for ice cream on the way here so the day wasn’t a complete bust.”


Bart: “Now that’s the Simpson way, looking at the glass a quarter full. Here pop a squat it’s Krusty time.”


(Here we see Krusty walking to the center of the stage. Sideshow Mel stumbles off stage with his head, neck and shoulders caught in a vase. After Mel disappears we hear a huge crash and Mel inaudibly swearing.)


Krusty: (Laughing) “Wasn’t that fun boys and girls? While our team of clown doctors get Sideshow Mel some aspirin it’s cartoon time!”


(The audience cheers, Bart and Lisa cheer.)


Krusty: “Normally it would be Itchy and Scratchy but, due to a pending lawsuit from the FCC over last week’s episode ~Prison Shower Scratchy ~ we’re unable to air any more episodes until further notice. Instead, we’re going to be showing clips from the show I got my start in comedy writing for, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.”


Bart: “Damn FCC, ruins everything. What the hell is Rocky and Bullwinkle anyway?”


Lisa: “Bart I can’t believe you, Rocky and Bullwinkle is a cartoon from the early 1960’s that broke new ground. It was a show that was kid friendly but also pushed the boundaries of its day with political and social satire.”


Bart: “So?”


Lisa: “So Bart, shows like Itchy & Scratchy and Family Guy would have no place on television if Rocky and Bullwinkle hadn’t pushed the envelope first.”


Bart: “Pff, there’s still no place on TV for crap like Family Guy.”


(As Bart finishes the sentence, Peter Griffin bursts in the front door and into the living room.)


Peter: “You take that back you little son of a…”


(Before Peter can say “Bitch” we hear the sound of a shotgun pumping, followed by the image of Homer aiming the gun at Peter)


Homer: (slowly) “You’re not on for another hour.”


(Peter raises his hands and slowly backs out of the room.)


Lisa: “Anyway Bart you’ll like this show, it’s a classic.”


Bart: “Yeah and by classic you mean old and boring.”


Lisa: “Then why don’t you come up with your own show and sell it to Krusty genius?”


Bart: “Fine, I will jerk.”

(Bart thinks to himself while we hear the music start in the background)


Bart: (to himself) “Hmm, could I make something better? Probably not, but I could blatantly rip this show off, hell if the Flintstones could do it to the Honeymooners then so can I. Just imagine the possibilities…”



End Scene


Scene 2 (Bart Begins to dream up his own version of the show, using people he knows to fill in the characters.)


Kent Brockman: “A thunder of jets and an open sky, a streak of gray and a cheerful…”


Margy: “Ha!”


Brockman: “A loop, a whirl and a vertical climb and once again you’ll know it’s time for the adventures of…”


(Margy crashes into the screen, as she’s sliding down it she says.)


Margy: “I’ve gotta get the hang of this flying thing or the insurance is going to kill me.”


Brockman: “Margy and Howinkle… and friends. Starring that super sonic speedster Margy A Squirrel. With her pal Howinkle the Moose.”


(We flash to a shot of a large, old fashioned balloon with “Howinkle Moose” written on it with a yellow, mooseified Homer as a passenger.)


Howinkle: “Howinkle? What kind of network allows that name on the air?” (Shrugs his shoulders) “The same that keeps Family Guy running I guess.”


(An old World War I style plane goes flying underneath the balloon. Brian Griffin is the pilot with Stewie as the rear gunner.)


Stewie: “Two insults in one episode? I think not!”


(Stewie fires, a large cartoon bullet strikes the balloon and Howinkle plummets.)


Howinkle: “D’oh!”


Stewie: “Yes, enjoy gravity fatty.”


(As Stewie says this Brian performs a barrel roll, sending Stewie flying out of the plane.)


Stewie: “Ahh! Brian you bastard!”

(Now we flash to Margy sitting in the back of a 50’s convertible, riding in a ticker-tate parade.)


Margy: “Hurry Howinkle, the show’s about to start!”


Howinkle: (falling) “Ahh! Be down in a second.”


(Howinkle proceeds to crash head first into the back of the car, his feet sticking straight into the air.)


Margy: “Howinkle don’t embarrass me, wave to the people.”


(Howinkle’s feet flap up and down a few times till they get tired and slump over the car door, the crowd cheers.)


Crowd: “Yay!”


(As the camera moves along the cheering crowd, Stewie comes crashing down into a dumpster behind them.)


Margy: “Now what are you doing?”


Howinkle: “Signing autographs. Let’s see, Al Jean…”


Margy: “But your name’s Howinkle.”


Howinkle: “Well duh. But that’s hard to spell.”


Margy: (Disapproving grunt)


(The picture fades out. The image is that of a marching band that plays in front of the motorcade. The camera zooms into Margy.)


Margy: “We’re going to have a lot of fun today, come on and join us.”


Howinkle: “Yeah, we know you’re not going to do your homework anyway.”


(Along the road we see a short, stout Skinner as Horace Badanov role. He takes the arrow of a one way sign and changes it to point toward a tunnel. The car goes by a smirking, waving Horace. Once in the darkness of the tunnel we see wavering lights, the honking of horns and screeching of tires.)


End Scene


Scene 3 (Margy is at the top of a tall diving board like one would see in a circus act. Waiting at the bottom, leaning on a large wooden tub of water with “Margy and Howinkle” written on the front in large yellow letters is Howinkle. As Margy dives off she zooms first to the right and then to the left. Howinkle, panicking picks up the tub and tries to follow Margy around as she changes direction. Eventually Howinkle trips an falls, breaking the tub. Margy lands on the ground safely next to the mess Howinkle has made with her arms crossed.)


Margy: “Look what you did Howinkle, that’s the third one this month!”


Howinkle: (Who is face down, puts his hand up.) “My bad.”


Margy: (Disapproving grunt.)


End Scene


Scene 4 (Margy and Howinkle are in Washington DC, the camera is aimed at the oval office and zooms in as the narrator begins.)


Brockman: “Today we join our heroes as they are called into a meeting by the president of a nation in crisis. Inside the oval office, mayor… excuse me President Quimby discusses the grave situation with Margy and Howinkle.”


Quimby: “People, we have a serious…era…crisis on our hands. Global super villains Horace and Latasha have taken over an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. We have just received a telegram informing this office that in less than one hour, they will blow up the rig unless the following demands are met. First, they want $2 million dollars in cash delivered in two separate burlap sacks with crude dollar signs drawn on them.”


Margy: “Pff, it’s been done.”


Quimby: “Secondly, they demand that the Grateful Dead be killed, claiming it’s not real music.”


Howinkle: “Meh, I like Workingman’s Dead.”


Quimby: “Finally, they require all merchandising rights associated with Drill Baby Drill.


(The Texas Oil Man comes into frame standing next to the President).


Texas Oil Man: “I’ll see the whole ocean covered with oil before I give those dirty commies a red cent. After all if we give in people will think crime pays, unless of course we’re talking about bribing public officials in which case it does. Yee Haw!”


Quimby: “I must say I agree with my valued campaign contributor, there will be no negotiation with terrorists. As our resident heroes I am hereby authorizing you, Margy and Howinkle, to use whatever means necessary to defeat these villains.”


Margy: “What do you think Howinkle, can we do it?”


Howinkle: “Sure we can! And if we fail may the Gulf burn like an ocean of fire.”


Quimby: “Era… yes. Well get going you’ve only got fifty minutes left, may the force be with you, I mean good luck.”


Margy: “Come on Howinkle, let’s go save the day.”


(Margy and Howinkle go running out.)


Quimby: “This could end badly. (pushing the call button.) Sandy, bring me a bottle of scotch and a bowl of chowder.”


Texas Oil Man: “Pardon me, but where I come from it’s pronounced Chowder.”


Quimby: “Oh boy.”


Brockman: “Will our heroes arrive in time to prevent this dastardly deed? Or will those horrible villains Horace and Latasha finally score one for the bad guys?”


(Quick flash to Horace and Latasha standing on the oil rig)


Horace: “Is foolproof plan, we cannot fail.”


(Both Horace and Krabappel as Latasha laugh.)


Brockman: “And does anyone really care how chowder is pronounced? All this and more will be answered in the exciting conclusion of`~ Potentially Prophetic Petrol Platform or The Texas Tea Party.”


End Scene


Scene 5 (The classic interlude of Margy and Howinkle, silhouetted against the horizon of thunder and lightning, falling into the earth as ground crumbles away. Dramatic piano plays in the background as Howinkle and Margy plummet down. Then, the music brightens up as the outlines of Margy and Howinkle’s faces rush quickly toward the surface. The orange sun in the sky smiles as flowers pop up rapidly until Margy pops out of the ground fully. Only Howinkle’s head makes it to the surface as a bee flies into the picture, lands on Howinkle’s nose and stings him.)


Howinkle: “D’oh!”


End Scene


Scene 6 (Margy is standing in front of a red stage curtain.)


Margy: “And now for some culture, we bring you Howinkle’s corner.”

(The curtain opens, Howinkle is sitting on a stool with spectacles on and holding a book.)


Howinkle: “Hello out there, today’s selection is Late Lament by Graeme Edge.”


(We begin with Howinkle standing in a town square at night.)


Howinkle: “Breathe deep, the gathering gloom. (Howinkle takes a deep breath and continues.) Watch lights fade from every room.


(One by one all the lights in the town go out.)


Howinkle: “Bedsitter people look back and lament, another day’s useless energy spent.”


(We flash to Reverend Lovejoy sitting up in his bed, a frown on his face.)


Lovejoy: “Why do I even bother, nobody listens anymore… except damn Flanders.”


Howinkle: “Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.”


(Now in Horace and Latasha’s bedroom for adult fun happy time under the covers.)


Latasha: “Horace darling, you are crushing my feet!”


Horace: “Sorry, be holdings on one second please.”


Latasha: “Oww, get off!”


(Latasha gives a kick and Horace falls from under the covers and out of bed.)


Howinkle: “Lonely man cries for love and has none.”


(Now at Moe’s Tavern where Moe slumps over the bar, the place empty.)


Moe: “Alright I get it, I’m a lonely guy! You don’t gotta rub it in.”


Howinkle: “New Mother picks up and suckles her son.”


(We see Marge in the kitchen with Maggie in her arms.)


Marge: “Homer, for the last time Maggie’s a girl.”


Howinkle: “Senior citizens wish they were young.”


(Now in the Retirement Castle with Grandpa Simpson.)


Grandpa: “No we don’t! Lousy kids.”


Howinkle: “Would you all shut up already? Anyway where were… oh yes. Cold hearted orb that rules the night, removes the colors from our sight. Red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right. and which is an illusion?”


(Grandpa comes running onto the stage and punches Howinkle in the gut.)


Grandpa: “That’s what you get for reading that hippie crap.”


(Then Moe runs into the picture and knocks Howinkle down.)


Moe: “And that’s for lowering my self-esteem… more so.”


(Horace and Latasha run up with Horace kicking Howinkle in the side.)


Horace: “This is for interrupting privet time.”


(After Horace kicks Howinkle, the whole group encircles the fallen Moose and begin to savagely beat him. The camera shifts to Margy while Howinkle cries out in pain.)


Marge: “And now for one of our special features.”


End Scene


Scene 7 (Whimsical music comes on as Howinkle dressed up like a fairy and holding a magic wand dangles from a rope tied around his waist. Margy meanwhile is desperately trying to swing Howinkle around in a controlled manner but is losing that battle. Howinkle swings back and forth in front of a sign that reads “Fractured Fairy Tales.” Howinkle crashes into the sign, knocks it down and lands on the stage. As Margy falls on top of Howinkle it is revealed that the sign behind the first reads “As narrated by Michael Pailin.)


 Howinkle: “oww!”


Margy: “Sorry, next time I’ll be the fairy.”


End Scene


Scene 8 (Down in a village with vast woods and a towering castle, the camera begins to zoom in as the caption “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” appears on the screen.)


Narrator: “Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Snow White. With her red lips and… unique blue hair she was the fairest maiden in all the land. Unfortunately this is not a good thing when your step-mother, who is both the queen and a witch, happens to be the jealous type. So the queen put Snow White to work as a maid in the castle. Meanwhile, every night the queen went to her magic mirror seeking solace in its wisdom.”


Queen (as Agnes Skinner): “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”


Mirror (as Selma): “Look, you’ve been asking the same question for ten years now and it ain’t changing, it’s still Snow White.”


Queen: “Insolent mirror, why can’t you just say me for once?”


Mirror: “Hey, if you want someone to lie to you about your looks, get married.”


Queen: “This is intolerable, I can’t live like this.”


Mirror: “Then stop whining and do something about it, get rid of the girl.”


Queen: “Maybe I will.”


Mirror: “Good, then you can stop bugging me about it.”


Narrator: “Upon the advice of the mirror, the queen contracted a local huntsman to take Snow White into the woods and kill her. Of course, when the huntsman had escorted Snow White to the appointed place he found he could not murder an innocent girl.”


Huntsman (as Seymour Skinner): “Oh it’s no good, I can’t do it.”


Snow White: “Do what?”


Huntsman: “I was supposed to lure you out here under the pretense of a picnic and then cut out your heart.”


Snow White: “Oh my!”


Huntsman: “But you’ve never hurt a fly. (sighs) As much as I want to please my queen I can’t kill you. Run, run into the woods and never come back.”


Snow White: “Thank you sir, but won’t the queen be expecting a heart?”


Huntsman: “I’ll figure something out, you run along now.”


(As Snow White runs off the Huntsman sees Spider Pig and tackles it. He takes out his knife.)


Huntsman: “I never liked you as a side character.”


Narrator: (While pig squeals) “And so while the queen received a decoy heart, Snow White wandered off into the woods where she proceeded to get hopelessly lost. She was getting quite hungry at this point because as usual she eats practically nothing like most chicks.”


Snow White: “Hey watch it mister. I’m a lady thank you very much.”


Narrator: “Listen up girly, I can tell the kids about how you find a cozy house full of food or have you wander into a cave full of hungry bears. I could go either way, it’s up to you.”


Snow White: “Proceed.”


Narrator: “Fortunately, just as Snow White was about to give up hope a couple of friendly forest creatures came to her rescue.


(We see Snow White approached by a bird Bart and doe Lisa.)


Bird: “Hey lady, what brings you to this neck of the woods? We don’t usually see your kind around here unless you come to steal something.”


Doe: “Please excuse my boorish friend here. You see we don’t have much contact with humans these days. People are too busy building their cities to notice the forest anymore.”


Bird: “Except when they need a cheap source of wood or meat.”


Snow White: “Oh my, you little animals sure can talk, or should I say talk period. Is there any place where I could rest awhile, like an inn or something?”


Doe: “I know of no inn or tavern in these parts.”


Bird: “The only place you’ll have something vaguely resembling that is the Dwarfs’ cottage, but I wouldn’t recommend going there.”


Snow White: “Why ever not? Are they mean or evil?”


Doe: “Not exactly. I’ll tell you what we’ll take you there and let you be the judge.”


Narrator: “And so Snow White with her new companions set out for the home of the dwarfs. In a small clearing sat a quaint little cottage next to a small stream befitting of the occupant’s stature. When she and her animal friends arrived to introduce themselves, the dwarfs were not at home. Being a naïve girl, Snow White heeded the advice of the mischievous bird and invited herself into the cottage where our new houseguests proceeded to eat the dwarfs out of house and home.”


Snow White: “Don’t you judge me, I’m starving here. Plus didn’t you just say us chicks don’t eat enough.”


Narrator: “Well I…”


Snow White: “Look enough with the commentary, either narrate or get lost.”


Narrator: “Fine, bloody Americans. Once our friends had finished their afternoon snack, the animals told Snow White to go upstairs and rest awhile. Being all tuckered out from her long day, she agreed and went to find a bed.”


Bird: (after Snow White leaves) “Man she is gullible, how do you think those little oafs will react?”


Doe: “Either they come home to discover most of their food is gone and go ape crazy or find sleeping beauty upstairs and become enchanted by her. Makes no difference to me, it will be entertaining regardless.”


Bird: (distant singing is heard) “Hey, I think I hear them coming.”


(Both the Doe and Bird go to the window for a look. We see seven dwarfs marching in a line, all of them resemble and talk like Homer. They all sing in unison as the narrator begins.)


Dwarfs: “Heigh-Ho, Heigh (Klutzy stubs his right big toe) D’Oh, away from work we go.”


(All seven whistle the tune as they approach the cottage)


Narrator: “And indeed they were coming, seven dwarfs singing and whistling their way home from work. There was Mopey, Surly, Klutzy, Stinky, Alchy, Boastful and Dude. Seven idiots who were about to have their lives turned upside down.”


(The Seven arrive at the front door which they find open, the group is alarmed.)


Dude: “Hey man, like our door’s open, guess we’ve been robbed again.”


Surly: “Damn it Alchy! You forgot to lock the door, didn’t you?”


Boastful: “Well if I had been last one out the door, this wouldn’t have happened.”


Alchy: (In slurred speech)“You shut up!”


(Alchy proceeds to take a swing at Boastful but misses horribly and falls to the ground, his beer spilled and his ass crack showing.)


Mopey: “Oh well, let’s go see what we’ve lost, not like we had anything valuable before.”


Narrator: “The group walked in the house expecting a ransacking but instead discovered a pair of curious animals awaiting them.”


Surly: “What the hell are you two doing in here?”


Doe: “Helping ourselves to your stores of food and wine, we were cooking all afternoon.”


Bird: “and the house smelled great until someone walked in.”


(The group all stares at Stinky, who proceeds to break wind.)


Stinky: “Sorry, I had refried beans today.”


Bird: “So now we’re just hanging out down here until our new friend upstairs wakes up.”


Dude: “Like, who’s upstairs?”


Doe: “Oh just some strange woman we’d never met before and whom we advised to invite herself into your home.”


Klutzy: “An intruder, I’ll put a stop to her!”


(Klutzy runs for the stairs but only makes it up a few steps before tripping, slamming into the staircase, crashing through the railing and landing on a table which splinters on impact.)


Mopey: “Another thing I’ll have to fix.”


Boastful: “If I had run upstairs I wouldn’t have fallen like that.”


(As soon as he finishes speaking, Boastful is struck in the back of the head with a beer bottle by Alchy.)


Alchy: “Gotcha jerk.”


Surly: “Can we please just go upstairs and see who it is already?”


Bird: (shaking his head) “You all need group therapy.”


Narrator: “With those words of wisdom the troupe made its way up the stairs to the bedroom where Snow White was sleeping in Dude’s bed.”


Mopey: “I don’t know why she chose his bed over mine, my sheets are cleaner.”


Dude: “Hey man this is a free country, I can do whatever I want in my bed.”


Doe: “Too much information boys.”


Narrator: “Being awakened by all the chatter, Snow White was understandable in a bit of a panic surrounded by little yellow men.”


Snow White: “What’s going on here? Who are you people?”


Surly: “We’re the dwarfs, the bigger question here is who are you and what in the hell are you doing in our house?”


Snow White: “My apologies, my name is Snow White and I’m… um I’m on a site seeing trip and I need a place to stay a few days.”


Alchy: “Look lady, we ain’t a hotel so make like a tree and piss off.”


Snow White: “Wait! I can make myself useful around here, I can clean the house.”


(The dwarfs grumble amongst themselves. Snow White sensing the precarious nature of her situation goes to plan b.)


Snow White: “And I can make all the meals for you boys.”


Boastful: “Stay as long as you like oh fair maiden of the kitchen.”


Narrator: “Now that all parties seemed content with the arrangement and the animals were told they too could stay, the group adjourned downstairs to the table so Snow white could begin earning her keep right away. Using what ingredients she had, Snow White produced a dynamic potato & leek soup followed by a tender roast for the main course. As dinner was being finished, the dwarfs regaled Snow White with tales of the workplace.”


(Now we are in the diamond mines, the dwarfs sing their Heigh-Ho song while Mr. Burns stands in the background with Smithers.)


Mr. Burns: “Come on, come on! Put your backs into it you lazy oafs. I could’ve gotten twice as many spear chuckers to do more work for half the price!”


Smithers: “Again sir, I’ve consulted the lawyers and they consider that to be terribly offensive and insist you stop yelling it before we get sued.”


Mr. Burns: “Insist? Damn their oily hides! Fine, I may have been able to contract fine, apartheid free South African workers at a reasonable rate so long as they found it to be agreeable. There, satisfied?”


(Now we find ourselves back at the dinner table.)


Dude: “So get this, like the NAACP is now suing the old man. The best part is that Burns is paying us all to stay home and keep our mouths shut till this blows over. Man I thought that paid vacation was a fairy tale.”


Alchy: “We’re living the dream boys.” (Loud belch)


Klutzy: “Alchy, go easy on the sauce.”


(Klutzy then attempts to take a drink but misses and ends up tossing the red wine over his shoulder.)


Klutzy: “D’oh!”


Mopey: “Why can’t we get through even one meal without embarrassment?”


(At this point Stinky once again breaks wind rather loudly.)


Stinky: “Sorry.”


Snow White: “That’s very nice boys, good for you. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to wrestle up some dessert.”


Surly: “Make it apple something, will ya?”


Snow White: “You got it bub.”


Narrator: “Snow White went into the kitchen to look for supplies but was soon discouraged as there were no apples to be found. Just as she was about to give up there came a rapping from the window. Upon further investigation it turned out to be an old woman dressed in black and holding a basket in her arms. Now this woman does seem to resemble that wicked queen from earlier, but as Snow White clearly does not care for my helpful commentary, she can sod off for all I care.”


Snow White: “Hello, can I help you?”


Old Woman (Queen): “I believe I can help you deary. I just happened to be out for an evening stroll when I couldn’t help but sense your apple problem.”


Snow White: “How’d you know that?”


Old Woman: “Let’s just call it a hunch. Anyway you are in luck as I happen to be an apple specialist. I have here in my basket new apples called Granny Muertos.”


Snow White: “Granny Muertos?”


Old Woman: “It’s Italian for passion.”


Snow White: “Oh, I see.”


Old Woman: “And for a one time only offer I’m going to give you a dozen of these special apples for just $12.99.”


Snow White: “I don’t know…”


Old Woman: “Wait, I’ll tell you what, because I can see you’re such a savvy consumer I’m going to give you one of these here apples to try free of charge. They’re twice as tasty as Granny Smiths and half the calories.”


Snow White: “You had me at free.”


Old Woman: “Yes my pretty, I do have you.” (she breaks into a maniacal laugh)


Snow White: “Pardon me?”


Old Woman: “Nothing, bon appetite.”


(The old woman hands Snow White a black apple. She studies it for a second and then takes a big bite. Seconds later she drops, unconscious to the floor.)


Narrator: “Only a creature as foul as the queen would give an innocent woman an apple filled with hidden saturated fat and poison. As to how she discovered that Snow White was in fact not dead, cooked up a batch of poisoned apples, developed a complex marketing scheme and found the dwarfs cottage in a matter of hours, we simply don’t have time to discuss the perfectly rational explanations the writers came up with at three this morning. At the sound of Snow White crashing to the floor, the dinner guests rushed in to see what had happened.”


Mopey: “Oh no, what is this?”


Dude: “A woman is on the floor man.”


Surly: “Dude, did she get into your special herb closet?”


Doe: “Look at the apple next to her, she’s been poisoned you idiots.”


Bird: “Look over there, who’s that woman laughing in the window?”

Old Woman: (Still laughing) “Oh crap.”


Surly: “Get her!”


Narrator: “And with that call to action the group began their pursuit of the old woman, chasing her over the river and through the woods to a cliff’s edge where she appeared to be trapped. The dwarfs and once cuddly turned murderous forest creatures closed in.”


Doe: “Ok Alchy, go get her.”


(All look over to see Alchy passed out on the ground.)


Bird: “Ok then, sick her Dude.”


Dude: “Hey, I’m a pacifist man.”


Klutzy: “I’ll get her!”


(Klutzy takes seven steps forward before he trips, sending his pick flying.)


Old Woman: “Ha! Like you imbeciles could ever kill me, dream on losers.”


Narrator: “And with that the queen/witch broke out her customary if clichéd broom, leaving our friends in the dust. Unfortunately for the fiend, she was about to learn the lesson many before her had.”


(Suddenly, during flight the broom begins to sputter and give off smoke.)


Old Woman: “What the hell?”


(The queen takes her hands off the broom to reveal the following words engraved on the handle, “Made with American pride.”)


Old Woman: “Damn it! I knew I should’ve bought Japanese.”


(The queen shoots down and we hear a loud explosion.)


Narrator: “After her grim but predictable discovery, the villain promptly plummeted to a fiery death. Once the group made sure she was really, most sincerely dead they raced back to the cottage to find Snow White still on the floor.”


Doe: “Oh no, I think she’s dead.”


Stinky: “Well, as a wise man once said waste not.”


Narrator: “With those words our smelly friend bent down and kissed a luckily unconscious Snow White.”


Surly: “What the hell’s wrong with you? You sick…”


Narrator: “What’s this? Snow White seems to be waking up, but how?


Dude: “Oh man, Stinky must have turned her into a zombie.”


Doe: “Don’t be simple, he’s somehow revived her.”


Snow White: (groggy) “Oh my, I don’t know what happened. I think that salesperson tried to kill me, that’s customer service for you.”


Boastful: “Obviously Stinky over there woke up sleeping beauty…”


Snow White: “You mean Snow White.”


Boastful: “Whatever, Stinky gave her true love’s kiss.”


Snow White: “No, I don’t think that… did he really kiss me?”


Stinky: “That’s right sugar lips, I’m your true love. How about them apples?”


Snow White: “I think I preferred the poisoned ones.”


(Stinky breaks wind as the group laughs.)


Narrator: “After several more hours of denial and finding a way to make reusable nose plugs, they all lived happily ever after. Except the doe, whom they ate during the cold winter, and there was much rejoicing.”


Group: “Yay.”


End Scene


Scene 9: (Margy the Squirrel is sitting next to Howinkle who is painting on a standing canvas.)


Margy: “That’s a pretty strange looking painting there Howinkle.”


Howinkle: “I just paint what I see.”


Margy: “Well, what do you see?”


Howinkle: “This is what I see.”

(Howinkle holds up the painting for the audience to see, it’s a portrayal of Glenn Beck with red horns sprouting out of his head and flames shooting up behind him.)


End Scene


Scene 10: (Margy and Howinkle are on a stage, Howinkle dressed as a magician with a top hat on a stand next to him.)


Margy: “And now…”


Howinkle: “Hey Margy, watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat.”


Margy: “Howinkle not again.”


Howinkle: “Nothing up my sleeve, presto!”


(Howinkle pulls Gordon Ramsay’s head out of the hat.)


Gordon: “Stupid moose!”


Howinkle: “Ooh, don’t know my own strength.”


Margy: “Oy Vay! And now for something that can’t be any worse.”


End Scene


Scene 11 (We venture into a museum, Berman (Bart) is wearing thick, black glasses. He’s looking up at a large banner suspended between two massive columns. In yellow letters it reads, “Leabody’s Improbable History.” Berman begins to walk past a series of portraits depicting Leabody (Lisa as a dog) in important events in history. Each portrait has a year listed below it and are as follows.)


1927: Leabody as a New York Yankee hitting a home run


1908: Leabody standing in front of an assembly line, producing the first Model T Ford.


1869: Leabody driving the final spike into the Transcontinental Railroad


1776: Leabody drafting the Declaration of Independence.


1620: Leabody landing at Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts


1066: Leabody is victorious at the Battle of Hastings


34 AD: Leabody lecturing in a Roman amphitheater


220 BC: Leabody constructing the Great Wall of China


400,000 BC: Leabody showing cavemen fire.


(In the last picture Leabody comes alive, pulls Berman in and they run off in the picture, leaving sets of eyes blinking in the dark.)


Leabody: “Hello, Leabody here. This is my boy Berman.”


Berman: “Jeeze, this is humiliating.”


Leabody: “Quiet! And this is the wayback machine. Today we are traveling to the year 1648 and the Second English Civil War to meet with Parliamentarian general Oliver Cromwell.”


Berman: “Cool, I can give old Ollie some tactical advice.”


Leabody: “You shant be giving any advice to General Cromwell. Last time I allowed it you told Napoleon it would be a good idea to invade Russia.”


Berman: “Well, everyone makes mistakes.”


Leabody: “Precisely why I won’t allow you to make another. Now come along, we haven’t a moment to lose.”


(The two enter the wayback and the picture swirls until a large military encampment upon a green countryside appears.)


Leabody: “As usual the wayback machine worked perfectly and deposited myself and Berman outside the very tent of General Cromwell before the Battle of Preston. We entered and promptly introduced ourselves.”


Cromwell (as Flanders): “Well heidly ho strangers.”


(Leabody and Berman begin to approach Cromwell when two guards pop out.)


Cromwell: “Ooh, I’m going to have you wait right there while my guards make sure you’re not Royalist assassins, they’ve been a real thorn in my bum-didlly-um.”


Guard: “They’re both clean sir.”


Cromwell: “Terrific. So gents what can I do for ya?”


Leabody: “We would humbly ask your permission to witness the upcoming battle from your lines.”


Cromwell: (In a very unconfident tone) “Well, I guess that’s alright.”


Berman: “What’s wrong Mr. Cromwell?”


Cromwell: “I’m not sure how this battle will turn out or if we can win at all.”


Leabody: “Trouble with the troops general?”


Cromwell: “Not just them, it’s me as well. Oh I’m no professional solder, I just wanted to spread my religious zeal and puritanical code for living. We’ll lose this war and go back to the reign of that idiot Charles I.


(We flash to a palace where Homer as Charles I is walking out of the bedroom holding a chamber pot.)


Charles I: “Ok boys, today it’s blue.”


Guard 1: “Alright, we won! Well my lord you know what that means.”


Charles I: “Yeah I know, I know…”


(Charles takes out a funnel and a mug of beer, he has one of the guards pour it when he has position the tube of the funnel in his mouth. The guards begin to chant.)


Guards: “Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!”


Leabody: “Are you outnumbered by the Royalists?”


Cromwell: “No, we actually outnumber them, by thousands.”


Leabody: “Alright, are they better equipped then your army?”


Cromwell: “I don’t think so.”


Leabody: “Then there is no reason you shouldn’t win. Call your men to attention, I may have a few tips for them.”


(The group walks out of the tent. Leabody and Cromwell position themselves before the troops. The horse are mixed in with the foot solders and they look quite slovenly.)